When Night's Decay: Part 1

Fall, leaves, fall; die, flowers, away;

Lengthen night and shorten day;

Every leaf speaks bliss to me

Fluttering from the autumn tree.

I shall smile when wreaths of snow

Blossom where the rose should grow;

I shall sing when night’s decay

Ushers in a drearier day

Emile Bronte

January 

1st

I tucked my cold fingers under my thighs, the rumble of the car increased the pain, pressure I was feeling in my abdomen. He was still yelling, I could see his hands flailing- alternating which one was on the steering wheel- cigarette burning very close to his lips. I was struggling to hear him, there was a fog in my brain and my vision was getting spotty. This sometimes happened when I got upset, I never got it checked out. I should. 

I jumped as his hand was suddenly on my thigh: long bony fingers squeezing the flesh. 

“Elie,” at last his words were clear. “Do you fucking hear me?”

I turned my head towards him but didn’t raise my eyes to meet his.

“Yes,” I pushed my hands further under myself. “I’ll try better, I’m sorry.”

“Oh my fucking God!” He slammed on the breaks as we reached a stoplight turning yellow. “Just to fucking do the same thing again?” He sighed and I knew his rage was coming to an end. What had even started it this time? Me walking away expecting him to follow me while I was talking? Had I been too sassy, sad, or distracted? I didn’t even know. 

“I’ll do better.” 

Outside was grey: wind and snow dancing around skeletal oaks. Long, dead yellow grass was sticking up alongside the road in ugly tufts. We were going into the city and out of subdivisions and I could see the tall buildings standing over the snow coated roofs.

“Can you just drop me off at home please.” I asked, “I don’t feel great.” The black spots had faded but the pain had increased and my heart was still beating fast.

He sighed and tossed whatever was left of his cigarette out the window. 

“So you don’t want to get dinner now?” His voice was rough as if he was weighted by the words. 

“I just want to lay down, I’m sorry.”

 He sighed again, but made turns towards my apartment.

As we pulled into the parking lot I felt a sharp cramp. I grabbed my bag off the car floor and the second the car slowed near the entrance I was out. 

“Have a good night,” I shut the door before he could say anything else. 

There was a wetness between my legs, hot and gushing suddenly. I mounted the stairs as quickly as I could, feeling it spread down to my knees. The key card for my room faulted twice before working on the third try. As soon as I was in I raced to the bathroom, letting my bag fall onto the floor and stripping off my jacket. I had high socks under my boots and I saw dark fluid had spread down from my jeans to start to eat away at the socks. 

Coppery and sweet, the scent was heavy. I felt like I was going to throw up. 

As I shimmied out of my pants, I saw the red staining my thighs. My other clothes joined the bloody ones on the floor. 

Oh my god. Oh my god. 

I turned on the shower, hot as it would go, and jumped in. The crimson water circled the drain, disappearing into it but the red didn’t lighten. I began to see clots with the red. 

The black spots came back and I was laying on the shower floor, looking at the light on the ceiling through the plastic curtains.

4th

The bleeding still kept on. I called in for work but I knew I had to go back after this weekend. Colin had texted me seventeen times but I had yet to open them, he’d come knocking too but I hadn’t opened the door. 

I lay in bed, wrapped in fleece blankets with the lights off. I had taken a pregnancy test about a week before and it was positive. I still had it in my bag, I had been going to show Colin at dinner but that hadn’t worked out. I don’t know what caused it. 

My body hurt. I wasn’t sad, I hadn’t even seen an ultra sound, but I also cared. I never even got to meet my baby. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom. Angry. That’s what I was. I was angry at myself for losing her, I’d decided my baby was a girl, I’d always wanted a girl. Elina, very close to Eliza, my name. 

When I’d taken the test I had thought of Colin hugging me and telling me “We’ll do this together.” His large hands wrapping around my smaller ones, shoulders and chest against my back as his face lent into my neck. I could smell his deodorant and the faint hint of smoke, his voice low and growling. 

Now I thought of him yelling, calling me a failure. Asking how I could let our baby die? I knew he wanted children, I did too, and I knew he would be upset. Do I even tell him? There were times he was soft and sweet and kind, and I wanted that version of him now, but I was scared of his other side.

I lay in bed until 5PM, staring at the blinds as the light faded. My brain felt empty. 

My phone buzzed and I saw Colin’s face light up the screen. The call rang for the full time, it stopped and I got the missed call notification. A few seconds passed before he tried again. 

Groaning, I stood up and shuffled towards the bathroom. My t-shirt fell to my thighs and I shivered as I lost protection from the blankets. My jeans still sat on the floor, blood now brown and dry. Metal and sweetness still hung in the air. I needed to throw them out. 

Washing my face, I lathered my hands and ran them in circles into my skin. I let my nails dig in, they left white lines that were chased with pink. Striping my face, I could see the pink showing through the foam. There were purple shadows under my eyes and my lips were cracked. I hadn’t done anything with my hair in days and it was a curly, unruly, frizzy mess. I looked hideous. 

I could still hear the phone buzzing. 

I wiped my face clean and went back to bed.

7th 

The smells of the office were too much. I sat at my desk, looking at excel sheets and running budgets and nothing made sense. Apple-spice, sage, floral cologne… It was nauseating. My fingers typed slowly, each number spaced out by seconds. To either side of me I heard typing at accelerated rates I couldn’t match. The automatic aerosol dispenser released again in the corner: bright fluorescent lights turned orange as I blinked. I was going to throw up. 

“Hey,” John, my boss, was standing at my desk. His presence was gentle. “You look awful, Eliza. Still feeling off?”

“Yessir,” I ran a hand through my hair, tucking some behind my ear, “I don’t know what it is.”

“Why don’t we submit a PTO day for today then? Go to Urgent Care or a Walk-In Clinic maybe?”

I nodded, feeling my lip wobble.

“Thank you sir,” I started to gather my things, ignoring the questioning looks. As I stood and started to walk towards the elevator, he followed me. The large office had maybe twenty desks in it and John’s office in the corner, patterned carpet muffling our steps as we walked passed them. I felt the judgement of all their eyes. They probably thought I was hungover, I was too young to actually have a different excuse. 

“Let me know if you need another day, okay?” His voice was quiet as we neared the hall, “two years and you’ve never missed a day. Make sure you’re in health.”

“Yessir,” I smiled. John was nice. I’d miss him. 

As I drove past the buildings and houses I felt them start to close in and tower over me. Two and a half years in Des Moines and I wondered if I’d always hated it this much. I’d moved here for Colin, he’d gotten a good job offer and had moved down 6-months prior to me. We had been going to move into together, we’d been pushing it off or misaligning timelines for years. Maybe that was for the best. I couldn’t stay here anymore.

When I parked in my apartment lot I turned off the engine and sat in silence. I opened my phone, ignoring the message notifications and went to contacts. I scrolled until I found her name: Vera. I dialed and waited. She was self-employed, surely she would answer.

“Hello?” Her voice was soft like she’d just woken up.

“Can I come stay for a bit?” I cut to the chase, I needed to leave.

“Sure baby,” she didn’t hesitate. “How long?”

“Couple months max,” I shivered as the cold crept in, “some things happened here. I just need to get away.”

“Oh baby,” she was comforting, “ how soon can you be up? I can have a room ready.”

“Tomorrow too soon?” 

“No, I’ll see you then girl.”

“Thank you so much,” the tears started then. I felt them choke my voice. “I love you, see you tomorrow.”

“Bye, love you.”

Hot tears streamed down my face as I climbed the stairs. I felt them turn from hot to cold on their way to drip off my chin. My hands shook as I packed. I didn’t need a lot, just enough to get by and last a week or so without doing laundry. There wasn’t a lot at my place, odds and ends Colin had given me throughout the years and basics. Colin was always joking my place looked like a college boys dorm. I took some keep-sakes and most of his gifts, I brought my favorite books but left the shelf, cookware, and most of the household items I’d bought. I could come back and get the rest later. 

I loaded my car up and then got into it, fleece blanket on my lap. I opened my messages app and scrolled through Colin’s. They started upset before descending to concern and apologetic. I opened my bag and took out the positive test, I set it on my lap and snapped a photo. I attached it and typed out a message. 

‘I had a positive test, I lost it on New Years. I’m sorry, this isn’t the way to find out but I can’t look at you right now. I need to get away. I will reach out in a few weeks, if you never want to see me again I understand.’

I paused for a second before sending it. I started the car and started driving. I would email John later, letting him know I wasn’t coming back. For now that text took quite enough out of me.

I put in a CD in the port and turned it up. I saw a message light up my screen and glanced down. 

‘Baby, call me. Please.’

Colin had responded instantly, 

‘I’m driving there now. Please open the door. Please.’

I opened my phone. 

‘I’m driving away.’ I responded before powering off my phone.